The Truth About Expectations

Why Disappointment is Perfectly Natural

If you read my post last week, you might remember what happened when I submitted a writing piece to a big online publication.

What I thought was going to be a great opportunity to expand my audience turned out to be an opportunity to expand my mindset. While I thought my challenge was whether or not my writing was ‘good enough’ to be selected, the universe gave me a different challenge.

It’s not lost on me that I wrote about expectations and then came face to face with my own.

Here’s the piece that didn’t make it’s way through the submission process, but still deserves to see the light of day:

The Truth About Expectations

Why disappointment is perfectly natural

Expectations are all around us. Throughout our lives we pick up different beliefs or ideas that may or may not have anything to do with who we are inside. What we expect from our lives isn’t always a match to what we truly desire- which guarantees disappointment.  

I was lost for many years because I didn't know the difference between external expectations and my inner compass. I also didn’t know that there are so many aspects of life that don’t work out, and that there isn’t always an explanation as to why. 

It wasn’t until I became a homesteader that I realized that the reason I was so disappointed for so long was because I was living a life that wasn’t a match to my spirit and that it’s perfectly natural to experience disappointment. 

What I thought was disappointment was really misalignment with my true nature 

As a young woman, I was on a mission to find my happily-ever-after. I had it in my mind that by the age of twenty-three I wanted to be married so that I could start having children before I was thirty. 

I honestly never asked myself if marriage and family were right for me. I met a man while I was in college who seemed to fit the bill. He was handsome, came from a good family and had a good job. The part I didn’t factor in was that we barely got along.  

I was too busy clinging to the relationship that I had decided was going to lead to my perfect life that I completely ignored every instinct telling me to run. We fought all the time, broke up every few months and treated each other terribly. 

I endured this relationship for six years because I wanted to get married and I was concerned that if I broke up with him, I would be too far from my goal. 

I was afraid to start over. I thought that if I just tried a little harder, somehow our relationship could go the distance.  

What I didn’t see at the time was that my expectations of marriage and family by a certain age were not selected by me. I had inadvertently subscribed to a set of guidelines that were established outside of myself. 

I felt constantly disappointed by the outcome of that relationship. The desperation I felt to keep ‘making it work’ wasn’t because I truly loved him- it was because I loved that he might help me fulfill an expectation.  

After that relationship finally ended, I did a lot of soul searching. What I learned about myself through yoga, meditation and self-reflection was that marriage and children are not actually a priority for me in my life. 

The whole time I was trying to force marriage and children into my life, I was feeling disappointed in my expectation not being fulfilled. Once I realized that the expectation came from outside of me, I could let go of all of the sadness I felt that I was somehow not reaching goals that weren’t even created by me.  

A natural relationship with disappointment 

Some of the disappointments we experience in life begin by thinking that there is some invisible checklist we need to complete. But some of the sadness we feel when things don’t go as planned is part of the mystery of human nature.  

As a homesteader, I have learned that the natural world does not guarantee perfection. The natural world is both beautiful and brutal; cycling through life, growth and death without reflection. 

The lessons I’ve learned in the garden help me see that the natural world is there to show us the beauty of growth and the impermanence of life.  

My garden has taught me that the natural world has its own set of rules. I can study these rules, but I cannot control them. I always do my best as a gardener, but Mother Nature will always have tricks up her sleeve.  

Learning to respect the mysteries of life is the key to letting go of disappointment. 

Also, there is not always a definitive answer for why things don’t work out. Obsessing on why certain plants or animals died beyond a little troubleshooting is fruitless– moving on and trying again is a better use of time and energy.  

Embracing the unexpected twists and turns in every season will contribute to overall growth and resilience.  

The truth is that we are a part of the natural world, and the natural world is mysterious.  Expecting everything to go as planned is not realistic, but if you expect that there will be failure along the way, you may not be as disappointed. 

There is a rhythm to the seasons in our lives: beginnings, growth, harvest and rest.  When we surrender to the changes in the seasons of our lives, we are less likely to cling to expectations. 

The resistance of letting go of a season 

Long before I bought a small farm and started growing my own food, I was a high school teacher at an inner-city school in Phoenix, AZ. After seven years of teaching, something changed within me, and I started hating the job. 

At first, I denied my growing misery so that I would not have to face leaving the career I worked so hard to build. When I started teaching, I thought that I was going to have a life-long career. I felt guilty and ashamed. 

I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to leave the classroom. I scoured my brain to pinpoint why I didn’t want to teach so that I could find the solution, fix myself and start loving my job again. 

But it seemed that no matter what I did to reignite my love of my career, my misery continued to grow.  

Both of my parents are retired teachers, so I thought I was disappointing them.  

I had deep and meaningful relationships with many of my students- I felt like I was abandoning them. 

I had no idea what I wanted my next career to be, so I felt embarrassed to leave.  

I had the hardest time letting go of that season in my life because I was overly consumed with why I was giving up on something that I was supposed to be doing for the rest of my professional life. I was also so frustrated because I couldn’t figure out exactly what led to my disinterest, and I couldn’t reignite my passion.  

I was so caught up in the expectations that I set out for myself that I was making myself miserable. It was clear to me that it was time to move on and start a new adventure in life, but I didn’t know at the time that having a mindset for growth is more important than being miserable and stuck. 

I didn’t know that being miserable is a sign that intuition is being ignored.  

By eventually leaving my teaching job I gained the confidence I needed to know when a season is over, and to take action.    

There is relief in knowing that a growth mindset is more natural than having expectations  

Adopting a mindset for growth means that there is no longer the pressure to meet expectations. When you focus on growing versus the outcome of that growth, you are free from the pressure of expectations of yourself and others.  

Any time I feel like the pressure is building for me to meet a timeline in my life, I always feel better when I ask myself if I am growing. So much of the progress in life is silent and goes unnoticed when we are focused on the wrong measurements.  

Reminding yourself that you are a natural being living in the natural world, doing the best you can to grow and evolve is the point of being alive.  

To evolve and thrive, it takes an attitude of accepting that the world is full of unexplained mystery and that not every wish can be fulfilled. Accepting reality on its terms and continuing to move forward is the most natural way to embrace disappointment. 

Nobody has the secret to living a life free from disappointment. Expecting to change the future just because you want a different outcome than you are currently experiencing is the fast track to feeling constantly dissatisfied.  

Having a mindset for growth does not prevent you from experiencing disappointment from time to time, but the more you accept how natural it is, the less you will obsess over it. 

Expectations vs. growth 

From time to time, when I feel anxiety, comparison or doubt start to creep in- I ask myself if the feelings are caused by expectations. I usually discover that most of the negative feelings I experience derive from invisible timelines or expectations buried deep in my mind. 

I know I can’t control the outcomes of my dreams-whether aligned with my true nature or not. The only aspect I can control is my willingness to grow and expand. 

-Ashley