If it's not a hell yes, it's a no

Trusting myself to make the right choice

One week ago today, I passed a carefully curated test from the Universe. This test forced me to say no to an opportunity and put my ego under a microscope. This test invited me to look at who I am and what I stand for, and how far I’m willing to go to feel externally legitimized.

This test invited my major insecurities to the surface and gave me a clear-cut decision to make: yes or no.

I chose no.

I chose no because choosing yes would have meant that I traded my unique voice for an opportunity that wasn’t fully aligned with who I am.

I chose no even though it felt like I was shooting myself in the foot and turning away (what I thought was) a chance to expand.

I chose no even though it was harder choice for me to make.

Choosing no meant that I had to let go of an opportunity in order to trust myself. Choosing no meant choosing myself, and it’s shocking how hard that was for me.

Do you struggle with this? Is saying no easier for you than it is for me?

Intuition is a strange phenomena-we all know we have it, and what happens when we don’t trust it. We are aware on some vague level that we are guided by an inner-knowing that helps us heal and grow. But many times we ignore this guidance because of what it requires of us-change, expansion, letting go and trusting the unknown.

This story I’m about to share with you is no different than any of the other yes or no decisions that I’ve made except for one thing: I have decided that from now on, if my answer to a yes or no question isn’t a hell yes— it’s a no.

The editor who gave me an opportunity to grow

I met Laurel a few weeks ago when I sent a submission article to her online publication. I was looking to expand my blogging audience and thought it would be a great way to get exposure and would help strengthen my reputation as a writer.

Laurel’s publication has a reach of nearly ten million between social reach and email list and I saw a great opportunity to get my ideas in front of lots of eyes. I was under the impression that the test I was facing was whether or not my writing was good enough to be published.

I knew of this publication because I regularly visited the website a decade ago, when I was opening the door to my own spirituality and thought it could be a full-circle moment to get published on a website that once led the way for me.

I read the fine print for submissions and found that if I didn’t hear anything in two weeks, to try submitting again. So I figured that in two weeks I would know if my writing was ‘good enough’ for this big publication.

Just one week after submission, I got a response from Laurel. She mentioned that she had some feedback on my writing. I felt excited that my piece was at least good enough for her to consider publishing, but I also felt nervous to hear what she had to say.

In her feedback, she asked if I would be willing to add in a personal story to help add power to the points I made in my post. I responded that it would be no problem for me to add a few examples and that I would re-work the post.

It took me a few days to finalize the essay for re-submission. I had done what she’d asked of me and added in examples that helped frame the story and I submitted again.

This time, she responded back a few days later with more feedback: now can you take out all of the references to nature?

If you’ve read any of my blog so far, you know how important it is for me to write about how nature influences every area of life. Taking out all of the refences to nature in my writing would be like trying to grow my garden this summer without water.

I found it interesting that the essay I submitted to her was about disappointment and how natural it is for things to not work out. I was sure that the disappointment I would feel would be her rejecting my writing skills, I certainly didn’t predict that that I would decline her offer.

Laurel taught me a very valuable lesson I wasn’t expecting: are you willing to say no?

This lesson felt very much like a test, it had the distinct feeling of being at a crossroads. I had no control of the outcome on either decision but I knew that the path I chose would reflect how I felt about myself.

Agreeing to re-write my essay again to remove my unique point of view would have reinforced a lack of belief in myself.

Respectfully declining Laurel meant that I get to keep my voice, but with a far smaller audience- it’s a trade I’m perfectly comfortable with.

One of the main reasons I knew that I was going to say say no to Laurel was that saying yes to her didn’t feel like a hell yes.

A hell yes means that you know with certainty that what you are choosing is right for you.

A hell yes means that you are not making an influenced decision by anyone but you.

A hell yes means that you can put your whole self into the choice you choose without doubt.

Anything that isn’t a hell yes is a no.

You might be thinking, well it’s not a hell yes when I have to do laundry of unload the dishwasher, or exercise every day.

I look at it like this: those things are hell yes scenarios because of what those scenarios represent:

Doing laundry is representative of wearing clean clothes-that’s a hell yes.

Unloading the dishwasher represents having clean dishes put away where you can easily find them. Hell yes.

Exercising represents taking care of your body so it can perform at it’s highest level. Hell yes.

Anytime you have a decision to make ask yourself, Is this a hell yes? Are you on board with what the decision represents for you?

In my case with the re-writing of the essay, a yes would have meant changing (or diluting) my voice and point of view in exchange for exposure to someone else’s audience-it just didn’t feel like a hell yes.

When we say yes to people or experiences when we know we want to say no, things usually find a way of going sideways. I have found that when I say yes to be ‘agreeable’ or to ‘not rock the boat’ I am usually the one who ends up resentful or angry at myself for not listening.

It is hard for me to say no when my programming tells me to say yes, and I suspect I am not the only one. Saying no sometimes feels like we are letting people down or not doing enough for others.

We bully ourselves into doing things we don’t want to do for the sake of being a good (you fill in the blank), or being a “good person.” I invite you to start considering what the hell yes decisions are in your life.

Saying no can be scary at first, but I believe there is nothing scarier than living a life that is shaped by never saying no.

I know I made the right choice because listening to anyone other than me has lead me astray throughout my life.

Losing a connection to my inner-wisdom has caused me way more trouble that being honest ever could.

I’m learning to be okay with saying no, even though I am still afraid of disappointing people.

And even though it’s not completely natural for me to say no (yet), I will continue to say yes only when I can pull a hell in front of it, and actually mean it.

-Ashley

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On Thursday, May 4th @ 7:00 MST, I will be joining a good friend of mine via Zoom to have a chat about Women, Wellness & Woo-Woo. We will be discussing topics that matter most to women and it is also an opportunity for business women in the wellness world to connect. I’d love to meet you! Click here to learn more.